Part 1: How I got Here

Do you know the first thing they make you do when you get to prison? They make you strip off all your clothes, dust you with a disinfectant powdered soap, and make you shower. Then they take you to an “observation” cell. Some of you may have heard this referred to as solitary confinement. For the next 48 hours you are left alone in a 6’ x 9’ room with no contact from anyone except to receive your meals through a slot in the door. The room has a bed attached to one wall, a toilet/sink combo, and a shined piece of metal for a mirror. This is where I found myself, and where I first asked the question, “How did I get here?”
Let me take you back a few years and tell you how I got there. In 2005 you would never have been able to convince me that, in five short years I’d be in a prison cell. You see, I had a lot going for me. I was an E-5 in the U.S. Coast Guard, serving in Michigan at the time. I was attached to a Search and Rescue unit, driving the Motor Life Boat. You’ve most likely seen them out here driving in the surf. Not only did I have a great job but I was great at my job. If someone needed to be trained they sent him to me; if someone needed to be disciplined, they sent him to me. If someone had a question about policy or procedure or even operation of the boats, they came to me. I LOVED my job. I devoted my whole life to my job. Unfortunately, therein lays the first problem. I also, had a wife and son. My wife loved me as did my son, but I was so focused on work I didn’t take the time to see it. The other reason I worked so hard to be good at my job is because I wanted to be respected…by everyone; mainly because I didn’t respect myself. Did you know that Psychologists have determined that a man would rather be respected than loved? It’s true, if you think about it. But how could I ever find peace if couldn’t muster up respect for myself? I didn’t respect myself because I was an addict. No one knew it but me, and back then I didn’t even consciously consider myself addicted. I wasn’t addicted to drugs, or alcohol, no, I was addicted to sex. I consumed pornography on almost a daily basis. I had been unfaithful to my wife and when I looked in the mirror I despised what I saw. It’s easy to hide sexual addiction. You don’t have physical side effects like drugs or alcohol and no one can smell it on your breath or even see you doing it. It’s also such a shameful addiction that you never want to admit it to anyone. As the years progressed I devoted more time to work and less time to my family. Things were bad at home so I stayed at work. Great logic, right? My wife knew I looked at porn but honestly she probably rationalized it away. It wasn’t until much later that I found out how much it hurt her.
The time came for us to move, as it does every four years in the Coast Guard, and we ended up in Winchester Bay, Oregon. I was again at a Search and Rescue Station, and again driving the motor life boats and I was still in the grips of sexual addiction. My career was doing well; I even advanced to E-6 and was gaining respect at the new unit. Then the rug got pulled out from under me. More appropriately, I pulled the rug out from under me. I had two separate affairs with women in the Coast Guard, one of which was my subordinate, and to top it all off my online activity had degraded to the point where I had engaged in a sexual “chat” with a 15 year old girl. It’s okay for you to give me a disgusted look, believe me I feel the same way. My activity was discovered and I was charged for violating various articles of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. It took 19 months to bring me to court martial, and when they finally did, I was sentenced to six months in the Naval Brig, reduction to E-3 and a bad-conduct discharge. The day they found me out I was sent home and I had to tell my wife. Gentlemen, if you have never had to look into the eyes of someone who loves you with all their heart and tell them you’ve broken it again, I would spare you from it. There is no hurt in this world that can compare to that.