Let's talk about accountability. First, let's break down the word account- ability. If you look at the first part of the word account, I'm sure the first thing that enters into your mind is something like a bank account. Of course a bank account is simply a ledger or list of money withdrawals and deposits, and this can be the same if you were to keep a daily or weekly account at work. It would merely be a list of tasks accomplishments or lack thereof during the period covered. The second part of the word is ability, which simply means to be able to do something. When you put these two words together you form the word accountability and bring a full meaning of, to be able to give a list of your actions. This is the key to sucess in overcoming an addiction.
If you are struggling with an addiction, whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling or whatever, you must first acknowledge that you cannot trust yourself. This may seem absurd, but if you have gotten to the point in your life where you recognize that your activity has ceased to be a once in awhile event or even a merely social event, but has moved on to a compulsion or need, then you are no longer in control of it. It is, in fact, in control of you and thus you are not able to trust yourself to stop it. If you are in this position and you want to change (the key word being want), then you must make yourself accountable to someone. You need to find a person that is close to you. This can be your wife, girlfriend, family member, friend, pastor, anyone that you can trust with confidentiality. Then, you should set up a time to meet with them and tell them your struggles. this can be embarassing and hard to do, but it is ESSENTIAL! After your meeting, let this person know that you would like them to be your accountability partner and, if they agree, you would like to meet at least once a week. During these meetings you should discuss your struggles, failures and successes in regards to your addiction. This partner should be willing to ask tough questions that you must answer. In doing this, you will grow closer with each other and also take the bulk of the responsibility out of your hands.
You see, if you are trusting that you alone are going to be able to swear off drinking or anything else you struggle with you will fail. This seems defeatist, but trust me I know. It might work for a week or two, but the desire will be too strong for you. If you have someone else that you know is going to be checking on you and that you can call if you are faced with an immediate craving, to help you, then you will be more inclined to abstain. This not only gives you the desire to prove to someone else you can overcome but it also give you the reassurance that you are not in the battle alone.Take heart, I have been and still am, where you are. This is not an war you cannot win. You can be an overcomer, like millions before you. You just have to be willing to work for it.
Clark
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Part 4: Why Share
Why is it important that I share my story with you? Sexual addiction is rapidly becoming the number one struggle among men in the church. Yes, in the church. If any of you were able to attend this year’s men’ roundup you heard Dr. Roberts speak of this very problem. 66% of men between the ages of 18-34 view online pornography at least once a day. 55% of pastors admit to being sexual addicts. In a startling trend 40% of women are admitting to addiction to pornography. There is nothing more destructive to the family than pornography. If Satan can use it to destroy the family, then he can use it to destroy the church, and if he can destroy the church then he can destroy the nation! Do you know what those statistics tell me?! They tell me that at least half of you here today could be struggling with pornography! I know this pain you are going through and I know the shame you feel about coming forward about it. I am not a counselor nor am I a pastor; I am just someone who has suffered through this and wants to help.
You may be sitting here, thinking that it’s no big deal. Maybe you’re thinking that I’m just weak and that you aren’t going to fall like me. If this is you, I would direct you to
1 Cor. 10:12 - Wherefore let him that thinks he stand take heed, lest he fall.
The greatest lie Satan can tell you is that you’ve got it under control. If you are allowing sin to take hold of your life, you are like a ship taking on water. It may start with a small leak, but even what seems to be a small leak over time, will sink you. In reference to sexual sin Solomon said in:
Prov. 6:27 – Can a man take fire into his bosom and not be burned?
You cannot hold this struggle inside you without it burning you and everything around you. I would then direct you to:
1 Cor. 10:13 – There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that you are able, but will with the temptation also make a way for you to escape that ye may be able to bear it.
No temptation has taken you but such as is common to man! You are not alone in this fight! God has provided you with a way to escape and it is in the forgiveness and grace of His Son Jesus Christ. It is in the counsel of Godly men that can help you bear this burden! Sure you can seek counseling from the secular world, but it will not save you. In Mark 3:24 Christ said that a kingdom divided against itself cannot stand. He was making this statement in reference to an accusation made by the Pharisees that He was casting out demons by the power of Satan. What Christ was saying is that Satan would not cast out his own demon, for that would be counter-productive to his goals. Satan is the ruler of this world, so what makes you think that he would provide you with counseling that could purge you from a sin he has placed in your life to destroy you! Sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed by us as He designed it, within the marriage bed! Nothing can bring two people together like this gift, but when it is used improperly, when it is twisted and distorted by the lies of the devil, nothing can destroy you more quickly. I have sat in secular counseling and do you know what they tell you to help you? They tell you that you need to adjust your fantasy life. They tell you to imagine healthy sexual relationships with other women, and to seek personal gratification to appease your urges! That is the counsel of this world! To lust after another woman in your heart, the very thing that Christ calls adultery. Replace one sin with another that is Satan’s best advice. Sure, some people find a measure of success through counseling, but more than half of prison inmates are confined for sex-based crimes and of those more than half are repeat offenders. You cannot win this battle without Christ!
Elders, deacons, pastors, the sin of sexual addiction have caused too many members of the body of Christ to be ostracized from the church. As leaders I implore you to create an open door environment for men to come to you without fear of exposure. If this battle is not taken seriously we will lose our families and our churches.
Ephesians 6:12 – For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
This is a serious spiritual battle we face today and the only way to win it is to be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Those of you that are struggling today cast your cares at the feet of the Savior and come to the cross for help! You may feel like no one can forgive you or that those who love you and are closest to you will shun you, but I’m here to tell you that God can and will forgive you! You come to Him and He will guide you through every step of the way! The last thing I will tell you is that you must find someone of like faith to tell. Make them your accountability partner, because if you are accountable to only yourself, you will fail.
Eccl. 4:9-10 – Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth: for he hath not another to help him up.
You don’t know me and I don’t know you, but if you’re afraid to tell someone you know, tell me! I will give you my name and phone number. I will give you my email address, and you can contact me any time day or night. If I can spare you from the burden of carrying this alone I will! I pray that you are willing to make today the day you fight for your soul, your family, and your church.
You may be sitting here, thinking that it’s no big deal. Maybe you’re thinking that I’m just weak and that you aren’t going to fall like me. If this is you, I would direct you to
1 Cor. 10:12 - Wherefore let him that thinks he stand take heed, lest he fall.
The greatest lie Satan can tell you is that you’ve got it under control. If you are allowing sin to take hold of your life, you are like a ship taking on water. It may start with a small leak, but even what seems to be a small leak over time, will sink you. In reference to sexual sin Solomon said in:
Prov. 6:27 – Can a man take fire into his bosom and not be burned?
You cannot hold this struggle inside you without it burning you and everything around you. I would then direct you to:
1 Cor. 10:13 – There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that you are able, but will with the temptation also make a way for you to escape that ye may be able to bear it.
No temptation has taken you but such as is common to man! You are not alone in this fight! God has provided you with a way to escape and it is in the forgiveness and grace of His Son Jesus Christ. It is in the counsel of Godly men that can help you bear this burden! Sure you can seek counseling from the secular world, but it will not save you. In Mark 3:24 Christ said that a kingdom divided against itself cannot stand. He was making this statement in reference to an accusation made by the Pharisees that He was casting out demons by the power of Satan. What Christ was saying is that Satan would not cast out his own demon, for that would be counter-productive to his goals. Satan is the ruler of this world, so what makes you think that he would provide you with counseling that could purge you from a sin he has placed in your life to destroy you! Sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed by us as He designed it, within the marriage bed! Nothing can bring two people together like this gift, but when it is used improperly, when it is twisted and distorted by the lies of the devil, nothing can destroy you more quickly. I have sat in secular counseling and do you know what they tell you to help you? They tell you that you need to adjust your fantasy life. They tell you to imagine healthy sexual relationships with other women, and to seek personal gratification to appease your urges! That is the counsel of this world! To lust after another woman in your heart, the very thing that Christ calls adultery. Replace one sin with another that is Satan’s best advice. Sure, some people find a measure of success through counseling, but more than half of prison inmates are confined for sex-based crimes and of those more than half are repeat offenders. You cannot win this battle without Christ!
Elders, deacons, pastors, the sin of sexual addiction have caused too many members of the body of Christ to be ostracized from the church. As leaders I implore you to create an open door environment for men to come to you without fear of exposure. If this battle is not taken seriously we will lose our families and our churches.
Ephesians 6:12 – For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
This is a serious spiritual battle we face today and the only way to win it is to be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Those of you that are struggling today cast your cares at the feet of the Savior and come to the cross for help! You may feel like no one can forgive you or that those who love you and are closest to you will shun you, but I’m here to tell you that God can and will forgive you! You come to Him and He will guide you through every step of the way! The last thing I will tell you is that you must find someone of like faith to tell. Make them your accountability partner, because if you are accountable to only yourself, you will fail.
Eccl. 4:9-10 – Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth: for he hath not another to help him up.
You don’t know me and I don’t know you, but if you’re afraid to tell someone you know, tell me! I will give you my name and phone number. I will give you my email address, and you can contact me any time day or night. If I can spare you from the burden of carrying this alone I will! I pray that you are willing to make today the day you fight for your soul, your family, and your church.
Part 3: Curse or Blessing?
I mentioned at the beginning that it took 19 months for the military to bring me to court martial. It was a very long 19 months of waiting, worrying, and wondering, but I don’t regret any of it. I don’t regret it because God used those 19 months to bring me back to Him and to experience a closeness I had never known before. He healed my marriage to the extent that my wife and I are happier now than we ever were before! I can love her the way she should be loved because I know the love of Jesus Christ in me!
Then came the day of my court martial; I fully expected for God to work a miracle and get me off of the charges. That was not the case. My whole world stopped when the judge read that I would be confined for six months, but God had another plan for me. For my wife, the Lord surrounded her with loving members of the church that came to her aid. They not only spiritually supported her, but several even financially supported her as well. If any of you have preconceived notion that the brig is different in some way from a prison, let me dispel that right now. The Naval Confinement Brig in Miramar, CA is no different than any other prison in California, except that the inmates wear uniforms instead of coveralls. We had rapists, robbers, murderers and various sex offenders. I came in devastated, but leaning upon the Lord, and while I was there I was given the opportunity to minister to more than 30 people. I was released a month early for good behavior, but in those five months I walked so closely with my Father in Heaven, I could almost feel His hand holding mine. Sure there were times of sadness and despair, but each day brought new hope and blessing. I was released in August and have been home ever since. I don’t know the full plan God has for me, but I feel that He wants me to share my story with others.
Then came the day of my court martial; I fully expected for God to work a miracle and get me off of the charges. That was not the case. My whole world stopped when the judge read that I would be confined for six months, but God had another plan for me. For my wife, the Lord surrounded her with loving members of the church that came to her aid. They not only spiritually supported her, but several even financially supported her as well. If any of you have preconceived notion that the brig is different in some way from a prison, let me dispel that right now. The Naval Confinement Brig in Miramar, CA is no different than any other prison in California, except that the inmates wear uniforms instead of coveralls. We had rapists, robbers, murderers and various sex offenders. I came in devastated, but leaning upon the Lord, and while I was there I was given the opportunity to minister to more than 30 people. I was released a month early for good behavior, but in those five months I walked so closely with my Father in Heaven, I could almost feel His hand holding mine. Sure there were times of sadness and despair, but each day brought new hope and blessing. I was released in August and have been home ever since. I don’t know the full plan God has for me, but I feel that He wants me to share my story with others.
Part 2: What was going on
That is what happened externally. Now I want to tell you what was happening internally. What might surprise you, and why this is important for you to hear, is that I was raised in a Bible believing Baptist home, and had even accepted Christ at the age of 15. I didn’t grow up in a single parent home, and wasn’t abused as a child. I saw my first pornographic image at the age of 9! By the time I was 12 I was engaging in sexual activity! I turned my life over to Christ when I heard a visiting pastor speak, but I didn’t tell anyone because those that knew me in church thought I was already saved and I didn’t want to disappoint them. Because of that, no one came to disciple me and within a year I was back to being promiscuous. You know what else is funny, and I mean that sarcastically, having a lot of sex in our culture makes you a man. If you drink too much or do drugs you’re a wasted life, but if you have sex too much, well, pin a medal on his chest because he’s just living life! That’s what the world says. That’s not the truth, though. The truth is that with all the sex came pain; emotional pain from sharing that intimacy and then losing it immediately afterwards, physical pain from the many fights and abusive situations it caused, and spiritual pain from the conviction of God for what I was doing. It was no different with pornography. 30 years ago, pornography use among men was drastically lower than it is today. Why, because back then the only way you could view it was to either go to a theater in full view of everyone, or pick up a magazine again, in full view of everyone. The pressure of embarrassment kept men moral. Then came the advent of VHS tapes. Now, you could view adult material in your homes, but you still had to go out and get them. But today, we have the internet. The world-wide web streaming information from one corner of the globe to another at rates of speed faster than anyone could have ever imagined. And with it came pornography. Today you can view any amount of adult material with a mouse click and a modem. No one will know and no one gets hurt. Yeah, right. The most recent studies show that the average male sees pornography by the age of 12. The largest consumers of it are males between 12 and 17.
I want to be perfectly honest with you when I speak, so let me tell you this as well. If you don’t already know, pornography is a gateway drug. You may have heard people refer to marijuana as a gateway drug that leads users to harder narcotics; well pornography is the same way. It starts with the usual adult material, fairly “normal”, but after a while, that doesn’t work anymore, so you seek out something different to excite you; until that doesn’t work and you go out looking again and again. Sin by its very nature is exponential. You open the door a crack and before long it’ll be blown off the hinges. Do you think I just woke up one morning and decided to talk about sex with a minor?! Not even close. Inside, it felt like I had a type of cancer. Every time I looked at pornography or entered a chat room, I would become excited and then leave feeling like I wanted to vomit because my soul was drowning in the filth of my flesh. I also discovered that the more pornography I viewed the less interested I became in sex with my wife. There was actually a clinical study done, and it discovered that the viewing of pornography diminished the release in the brain of a chemical known as oxytocin. Oxytocin is the chemical that drives men and women to hold each other and nurture each other, specifically after a man and wife are intimate. Do you hear what I’m telling you? Pornography literally erodes your ability to nurture your spouse! You won’t see that on the evening news.
So there I was, face to face with my wife; tears in her eyes, tears in mine. She yelled at me and I sat in silence. I was sure she was going to leave me and take our children (we had two at this point). She left the room, for what seemed like eternity, and when she came back she said an amazing thing, “We’re going to church on Sunday and we’re going to meet with the pastor.” There is a small church in Winchester Bay called Harbor Baptist Church, and its pastor at the time was a man named Dale Valovich. We had met him once before and really liked him. I immediately agreed. You see men, when I looked into my wife’s eyes that day, for the first time I saw not only who I was, but who she was. I saw that she was a gift from God into my depraved life. She had and would stand by me until death we did part and she meant it! I had put her through hell in our marriage. I never physically abused her but I’m sure the emotional scars she carries would scare anyone to look at. In spite of all I was, she STILL loved me! If there isn’t a better example of Christ’s love than that I don’t what is. It was at that moment that I knew I would do whatever it took to get right with her and with God. We began to meet regularly with Pastor Dale and attend services at Harbor Baptist. We met with him together, but I also met with him privately. He guided me through the Word of God, showing me where I went wrong and what I needed to do to be right. He showed me what the Bible says about being a husband and a father; what it says about treating your body as God’ temple, and it was there on the floor of his office that I cried out to God, “Please forgive me!!!” And you know what, He did.
I want to be perfectly honest with you when I speak, so let me tell you this as well. If you don’t already know, pornography is a gateway drug. You may have heard people refer to marijuana as a gateway drug that leads users to harder narcotics; well pornography is the same way. It starts with the usual adult material, fairly “normal”, but after a while, that doesn’t work anymore, so you seek out something different to excite you; until that doesn’t work and you go out looking again and again. Sin by its very nature is exponential. You open the door a crack and before long it’ll be blown off the hinges. Do you think I just woke up one morning and decided to talk about sex with a minor?! Not even close. Inside, it felt like I had a type of cancer. Every time I looked at pornography or entered a chat room, I would become excited and then leave feeling like I wanted to vomit because my soul was drowning in the filth of my flesh. I also discovered that the more pornography I viewed the less interested I became in sex with my wife. There was actually a clinical study done, and it discovered that the viewing of pornography diminished the release in the brain of a chemical known as oxytocin. Oxytocin is the chemical that drives men and women to hold each other and nurture each other, specifically after a man and wife are intimate. Do you hear what I’m telling you? Pornography literally erodes your ability to nurture your spouse! You won’t see that on the evening news.
So there I was, face to face with my wife; tears in her eyes, tears in mine. She yelled at me and I sat in silence. I was sure she was going to leave me and take our children (we had two at this point). She left the room, for what seemed like eternity, and when she came back she said an amazing thing, “We’re going to church on Sunday and we’re going to meet with the pastor.” There is a small church in Winchester Bay called Harbor Baptist Church, and its pastor at the time was a man named Dale Valovich. We had met him once before and really liked him. I immediately agreed. You see men, when I looked into my wife’s eyes that day, for the first time I saw not only who I was, but who she was. I saw that she was a gift from God into my depraved life. She had and would stand by me until death we did part and she meant it! I had put her through hell in our marriage. I never physically abused her but I’m sure the emotional scars she carries would scare anyone to look at. In spite of all I was, she STILL loved me! If there isn’t a better example of Christ’s love than that I don’t what is. It was at that moment that I knew I would do whatever it took to get right with her and with God. We began to meet regularly with Pastor Dale and attend services at Harbor Baptist. We met with him together, but I also met with him privately. He guided me through the Word of God, showing me where I went wrong and what I needed to do to be right. He showed me what the Bible says about being a husband and a father; what it says about treating your body as God’ temple, and it was there on the floor of his office that I cried out to God, “Please forgive me!!!” And you know what, He did.
Part 1: How I got Here
Do you know the first thing they make you do when you get to prison? They make you strip off all your clothes, dust you with a disinfectant powdered soap, and make you shower. Then they take you to an “observation” cell. Some of you may have heard this referred to as solitary confinement. For the next 48 hours you are left alone in a 6’ x 9’ room with no contact from anyone except to receive your meals through a slot in the door. The room has a bed attached to one wall, a toilet/sink combo, and a shined piece of metal for a mirror. This is where I found myself, and where I first asked the question, “How did I get here?”
Let me take you back a few years and tell you how I got there. In 2005 you would never have been able to convince me that, in five short years I’d be in a prison cell. You see, I had a lot going for me. I was an E-5 in the U.S. Coast Guard, serving in Michigan at the time. I was attached to a Search and Rescue unit, driving the Motor Life Boat. You’ve most likely seen them out here driving in the surf. Not only did I have a great job but I was great at my job. If someone needed to be trained they sent him to me; if someone needed to be disciplined, they sent him to me. If someone had a question about policy or procedure or even operation of the boats, they came to me. I LOVED my job. I devoted my whole life to my job. Unfortunately, therein lays the first problem. I also, had a wife and son. My wife loved me as did my son, but I was so focused on work I didn’t take the time to see it. The other reason I worked so hard to be good at my job is because I wanted to be respected…by everyone; mainly because I didn’t respect myself. Did you know that Psychologists have determined that a man would rather be respected than loved? It’s true, if you think about it. But how could I ever find peace if couldn’t muster up respect for myself? I didn’t respect myself because I was an addict. No one knew it but me, and back then I didn’t even consciously consider myself addicted. I wasn’t addicted to drugs, or alcohol, no, I was addicted to sex. I consumed pornography on almost a daily basis. I had been unfaithful to my wife and when I looked in the mirror I despised what I saw. It’s easy to hide sexual addiction. You don’t have physical side effects like drugs or alcohol and no one can smell it on your breath or even see you doing it. It’s also such a shameful addiction that you never want to admit it to anyone. As the years progressed I devoted more time to work and less time to my family. Things were bad at home so I stayed at work. Great logic, right? My wife knew I looked at porn but honestly she probably rationalized it away. It wasn’t until much later that I found out how much it hurt her.
The time came for us to move, as it does every four years in the Coast Guard, and we ended up in Winchester Bay, Oregon. I was again at a Search and Rescue Station, and again driving the motor life boats and I was still in the grips of sexual addiction. My career was doing well; I even advanced to E-6 and was gaining respect at the new unit. Then the rug got pulled out from under me. More appropriately, I pulled the rug out from under me. I had two separate affairs with women in the Coast Guard, one of which was my subordinate, and to top it all off my online activity had degraded to the point where I had engaged in a sexual “chat” with a 15 year old girl. It’s okay for you to give me a disgusted look, believe me I feel the same way. My activity was discovered and I was charged for violating various articles of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. It took 19 months to bring me to court martial, and when they finally did, I was sentenced to six months in the Naval Brig, reduction to E-3 and a bad-conduct discharge. The day they found me out I was sent home and I had to tell my wife. Gentlemen, if you have never had to look into the eyes of someone who loves you with all their heart and tell them you’ve broken it again, I would spare you from it. There is no hurt in this world that can compare to that.
Let me take you back a few years and tell you how I got there. In 2005 you would never have been able to convince me that, in five short years I’d be in a prison cell. You see, I had a lot going for me. I was an E-5 in the U.S. Coast Guard, serving in Michigan at the time. I was attached to a Search and Rescue unit, driving the Motor Life Boat. You’ve most likely seen them out here driving in the surf. Not only did I have a great job but I was great at my job. If someone needed to be trained they sent him to me; if someone needed to be disciplined, they sent him to me. If someone had a question about policy or procedure or even operation of the boats, they came to me. I LOVED my job. I devoted my whole life to my job. Unfortunately, therein lays the first problem. I also, had a wife and son. My wife loved me as did my son, but I was so focused on work I didn’t take the time to see it. The other reason I worked so hard to be good at my job is because I wanted to be respected…by everyone; mainly because I didn’t respect myself. Did you know that Psychologists have determined that a man would rather be respected than loved? It’s true, if you think about it. But how could I ever find peace if couldn’t muster up respect for myself? I didn’t respect myself because I was an addict. No one knew it but me, and back then I didn’t even consciously consider myself addicted. I wasn’t addicted to drugs, or alcohol, no, I was addicted to sex. I consumed pornography on almost a daily basis. I had been unfaithful to my wife and when I looked in the mirror I despised what I saw. It’s easy to hide sexual addiction. You don’t have physical side effects like drugs or alcohol and no one can smell it on your breath or even see you doing it. It’s also such a shameful addiction that you never want to admit it to anyone. As the years progressed I devoted more time to work and less time to my family. Things were bad at home so I stayed at work. Great logic, right? My wife knew I looked at porn but honestly she probably rationalized it away. It wasn’t until much later that I found out how much it hurt her.
The time came for us to move, as it does every four years in the Coast Guard, and we ended up in Winchester Bay, Oregon. I was again at a Search and Rescue Station, and again driving the motor life boats and I was still in the grips of sexual addiction. My career was doing well; I even advanced to E-6 and was gaining respect at the new unit. Then the rug got pulled out from under me. More appropriately, I pulled the rug out from under me. I had two separate affairs with women in the Coast Guard, one of which was my subordinate, and to top it all off my online activity had degraded to the point where I had engaged in a sexual “chat” with a 15 year old girl. It’s okay for you to give me a disgusted look, believe me I feel the same way. My activity was discovered and I was charged for violating various articles of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. It took 19 months to bring me to court martial, and when they finally did, I was sentenced to six months in the Naval Brig, reduction to E-3 and a bad-conduct discharge. The day they found me out I was sent home and I had to tell my wife. Gentlemen, if you have never had to look into the eyes of someone who loves you with all their heart and tell them you’ve broken it again, I would spare you from it. There is no hurt in this world that can compare to that.
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